The bin bulaye mehmaan turns up every month and throws you off gear. Every. Single. Time. Okay, you may have been expecting it but nothing can really prepare you mentally for the days that swipe the vivacious smile on your face. You feel like you’re in the doldrums but, when you look back, these days throw up some hilarious memories that are worth the laughs.
So, here are 10 not-so-fun things all the menstruators out there experience during their period days – memories that often sound funny later.
1. You wake up to see you’ve bled all over your new sheets
The first thing you feel after waking up on a period day is fear – fear of the buckets of blood flow you will experience immediately after you get off the bed. Blood that gravity couldn’t claim because you were in a horizontal position while asleep. And what’s the very next thing you find yourself doing? Check the bed sheet for stains. Obviously. And, unfortunately, there’ll be this dark brown blood spot staring right back at you, more often than not, appearing way larger than what it actually is. And there goes your bed sheet to ruins!
2. Every time you sneeze it feels like you’re giving birth to a blood clot
There comes a random sneeze and suddenly you realise you’re on your period. You can well imagine what will follow suit, give your all to stop it, and pray that it miraculously disappears – everything within a split second. You mumble things like Wait!, aaj nahi please, while suppressing the sneezy feeling with all you have. All your requests, exclamations, threats, and counter-efforts fall into deaf ears. Then the unwanted happens and you cannot help but cringe in disgust from the sudden barrage of warm blood in your pants. Ew, you hear yourself say.
3. You need to ask your friends to look at your butt and check if you’ve stained your pants
Ey, dekhna zara, you say while turning away from your friend, with your eyes indicating towards your butt. Your body language screams that you want her to check for period stains on your pants. You feel conscious thinking that the brown mark will be a huge giveaway to the world about something that you don’t want them to know. So you find yourself asking your friend to check on you every now and then. Checking the bed and sofa at home every time you get up gets replaced by this ritual when you’re outside.
4. You have pimples in the most unfortunate places—bindi pimple, nose pimple, even pimples down there sometimes
Okay, you get off the bed with that godforsaken waterfall in your pants and then look at the mirror, perhaps to start your day with a positive affirmation or to examine your period skin. And who decides to greet you? Yes, that ugly pimple is back again! If that is not enough to go “ew” yet again, you feel enraged by the spot it has chosen for itself – between your eyebrows, on the bridge of your nose, and sometimes even down south. At times, the breakouts are all over you – as phelao-ed as your emotions are during this time of the month.
5. You turn to find an amoeba-shaped blood clot at the bottom of the toilet bowl
Hah, sounds funny now. But it isn’t so at all when you are bleeding. Sometimes you catch yourself thinking funny thoughts, noticing unusual stuff, and imagining bizarre things. And one of them is finding patterns in your blood clots and identifying shapes – from stains on your sanitary napkin, blood spots on the floor, and even those left at the bottom of your toilet bowl. Though you may try hard to find shapes and give them names, they predominantly look like nothing more than an amoeba.
6. You have to rush to put a pad on quickly as soon as you turn off the shower
You quickly slip into a shower to rid yourself from that sanitary napkin that clings on to you all day (and night) long like a creepy, needy lover. Nothing like the warm embrace of lukewarm water on those days. Feels like the ultimate relief you could ask for – relief from tummy aches, headaches, and random pain here and there. Just when you thought you feel relaxed and hence turn the shower off, you’re back to reality. Because there awaits a blood avalanche ready to greet you and soil your clean bathroom floor. So you stretch out to grab your pad and panties – the very pad that you abhor wearing throughout the day.
7. You get painful rashes because the stupid pad is cutting into your skin
It’s not just you rebelling against this monthly event that you’re pushed into against your marzi. Your skin shares your feelings and revolts against the constant torture of putting up with pads, one after the other for so many consecutive days. And how does it show its disappointment? Painful rashes, yes. So if period pain isn’t enough, there are other side effects that you have to put up with too. And, if you have sensitive skin, save your soul.
8. You gain 2kgs overnight
When you’re on your period, white pants are out of the question, no matter what the ads may claim. And so are a myriad of other outfits in your closet because you’ve bloated. Bloated beyond the dimensions of clothes that look baggy on you on the other days. To be precise, you bloat beyond recognition for your clothes. Not just that, the uncountable mood swings make you reach out for tubs of ice creams, packets of chips, street food, and whatnot. Enough to make you feel like you’ve gained at least a couple of kilograms, if not more.
9. You look (and feel) like you’re three months pregnant because of all the bloating
The challenges of your period days do not end there and you know that! Saggy arms seem to have made an appearance out of nowhere and even your face looks bigger. Suddenly you notice a huge paunch jutting out of your tummy. So much so that you look like you’re well into your pregnancy. All thanks to bloating. So your efforts to #BeALittleMore put together during your periods goes out of the window.
10. You just can’t seem to stick the wings together in time and your pad is all bent out of shape, stuck together in all the wrong places
Iska front side kaunsa hai aur back side kaunsa hai? You find yourself muttering while examining a clean pad, freshly stripped out of its protective covering. Much to your confusion, you notice that there are already drops of blood on the floor. You looking down is an opportunity enough for your sanitary napkin to do a quick disco dance and twist and turn out of shape, adding to your confusion. It manages to tangle itself in ways you never imagined it could – tangled beyond recognition.
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